Shots Fired: Season 2 (2018)

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“DOCTOR” JOHNNY FEVER: Well guys, the first and last preseason game of 2018 is in the books and it saw yet another nail-biter between The Hit Girls and The Stars. Last season these teams met in 2 match ups and The Stars had our number on both occasions as they won both games by a margin of less than 7 points. People expected this game to go the same way, and it did not disappoint! This game, Cincy trailed until the last 2 minutes and 45 seconds of the 4th quarter.


VENUS FLYTRAP: I thought The Stars were gonna run away with another victory here Doc! The Stars put on a masterful ground attack that netted them a 14 to 3 point advantage going into the half. Kenzi Grey was struggling to find open receivers to get into the end zone. I don’t know what kind of pep talk they got in the locker room from their new coach, Generic Heel, but whatever it was Daddy, it couldn’t have come at a better time!


“DOCTOR” JOHNNY FEVER: Cincy buckled down some tough running by Millisandre Crowthorne, who finally found the end zone on an 11 yard scamper after our ‘Defensive’ Center Cartier opened up a huge hole in the defense and sprung Crowthorne loose inside the red zone.


VENUS FLYTRAP: ‘Defensive’ Center, huh? Well, all jokes aside, Cartier was head and NECK above the rest on the O-line as she laid 5 punishing pancake blocks to turn the tide. Apparently all that trash talk really had her fired up!


“DOCTOR” JOHNNY FEVER: Cincy was behind and they were desperate. Generic Heel was quick to call for a 2-point conversion to try to close the 5 point lead by the Stars, but LA was ready for it and they stopped the attempt cold. The Hit Girls kept fighting and it didn’t seem like they would get another chance until late in the 4th quarter after key receptions by Trixie and Sativa Nevaeh put the Hit Girls on the 5 yard line. With just under 3 minutes to play, ‘The Clear Connection’ of Kenzi Grey and Roxu Cotton finally hit pay dirt with a touchdown that put The Hit Girls up by 1. Generic Heel rolled the dice a second time and the team responded as they converted a 2-point conversion to go up by 3 points with 2 minutes and 45 seconds left on the clock.


VENUS FLYTRAP: I can’t lie Doc, I saw this game being an L for The Hit Girls as The Stars started marching right back down the field. It looked like LA was going to make them pay for leaving so much time on the clock, but the game was put on ice with a very timely interception by Ashley Marie Chase to secure the preseason win at home!


“DOCTOR” JOHNNY FEVER: It was only preseason, so this game doesn’t count, but at least the team got to see where they were against a team that played them really tough last year in a pair of heartbreaking losses. Some quick takeaways for me; Kenzi was much more efficient this game, she protected the ball well and didn’t take a lot of chances. She hit all of her receivers, including the running back, only missing 8 tosses. Trixie showed why she was so highly sought after as she led all receivers with 93 yards off 6 catches. Finally, like I said before, Cartier was a bruiser on the line as she opened huge holes for the runners.


VENUS FLYTRAP: Fair enough on brown sugah, Ms. Cartier; that girl is built like a sexy Mack Truck…or maybe a sexy long neck giraffe! That being said, the OTHER one doesn’t get off that easy with me! Once again, I am not convinced that Kenzi is the answer for this team. Sure, she didn’t toss any picks and she had a very good passer rating, but if she wants to get this team anywhere near the playoffs…let alone out of the toilet of the division, she needs to score touchdowns and stop scrambling for negative yards! On to your point about Trixie; yes, she earned every penny of that restructured contract, but let’s not put her over the REAL star out there in receiving today, my Boo Roxy Cotton! She led all receivers in number of catches and she scored the touchdown that finally gave The Hit Girls the lead!


“DOCTOR” JOHNNY FEVER: Fair enough Venus! I can’t argue the stats, but it was a team effort by all of the wideouts and the Offensive Player of the Game, Milisandre. Defensively, Coda led in tackles, with 7, while standout performances were put on by Le Bord de Dieu, with 2 tackles for losses and a sack and AMC with an interception to end it.


VENUS FLYTRAP: It was a great defensive performance by all of the ladies! I am going to single out Melissa Aki who played the game with a back injury she sustained last night in a wrestling match, and she still managed to turn in 5 tackles and 2 pancake blocks! Maki is a warrior!


“DOCTOR” JOHNNY FEVER: I good game turned in by The Hit Girls, with only one minor glitch, and that came from Bordy as she picked up the only team penalty. I’m not sure if she doesn’t know the rules or she just doesn’t care, but that will need to be corrected before the season starts.


VENUS FLYTRAP: Coach Generic Heel didn’t seem to mind. Hell! I think he congratulated her on her ‘heel’ tactics on the field!


“DOCTOR” JOHNNY FEVER: Why is that not surprising. Okay folks, that will do it for the Game Day recap! Join us next time when we preview game 1 of the new season.


VENUS FLYTRAP: GOOD NIGHT!

FAQS: Hello AMC, do you have a few minutes to talk about the LFL and your end of game heroics yesterday?


ASHLEY MARIE CHASE: Of course sir. Fire away.


FAQS: Yesterday your team named you the Hit Girls Defensive Player of the game after your interception ended the game. Can you tell us what you were thinking and how it felt to be carried off the field?


ASHLEY MARIE CHASE: It felt great honestly. Last year I missed some practices which hurt but this year we changed some things up and last night was a perfect example. If we can play that defense all the time I expect big things this year for us.


FAQS: The change certainly did seem to be a much better one for you. Does it bother you that people still continue to blame you for all of the sacks that Kenzi Grey takes during games? It seems unfair to me.


ASHLEY MARIE CHASE: Well it does get old especially since Kenzi has a habit of taking off to soon but with the changes this year I expect Kenzi will stay on her feet more this season. Look for her to throw for yards and not end up on her back.


FAQS: I’m going to ask you a question and I need an honest answer from you; do you think you should be Quarterback this season?


ASHLEY MARIE CHASE: Honestly at the end of last season I definitely thought I should be. However I have seen Kenzi strive to improve her game so right now I think we got it right. Just STOP running Kenzi! I also think Kenzi is a smarter QB this year and that will help her development sir.


FAQS: I think you avoided my question, but I’ll give you a pass on that. I understand you’ll be in action in the ring tonight, can you tell the fans what to expect?


ASHLEY MARIE CHASE: Victory. Don't get me wrong both Eavan Maloney and Katie M. are tough but I don't plan on losing my debut and will do what it takes to get my hand raised in victory.


FAQS: Well, I’m sure all of your fans will be behind you tonight! I’m sure you’ll do great! Thank you for taking the time to speak with me!


ASHLEY MARIE CHASE: Happy to oblige!

-FIN-

FAQS: Sir, would you mind answering some questions about your new role as Head Coach of the Hit Girls this season?


GENERIC HEEL: Certainly! It will be your pleasure.


FAQS: First off, congratulations on scoring the position with the team. However, I have to ask, why the Hit Girls? There are certainly much better teams out there in need of a coach.


GENERIC HEEL: Speaking from a purely statistical record, that is true. However, there seem to be a LOT of [BEEP!] on the team, which means that I have a greater chance of adding to the list of satisfied riders of Generic Mountain. Q.E.D.


FAQS: Wow! That doesn’t sound too PC in this era of #MeToo! I submit that you selected the Hit Girls because they are the most Heel team in the entire LFL!


GENERIC HEEL: We’re not here to be PC, pal. We’re here to score. See what I did there? Damn, I’m smooth. Anyway, yeah, the girls are pretty heelish. Especially that Angie Vaughn chick. Makes an old villain's eye water, seeing her with that loaded boot all the time.


FAQS: I’m glad you brought her up. I couldn’t help but notice that you took her out of the game in favor of a pair of 2-point conversion attempts. Do you have a personal vendetta against her? You said she brought a tear to your eye, but she was very upset last week.


GENERIC HEEL: That had nothing to do with Angie and everything to do with Kenzi Grey’s negative yardage on the field! That girl can’t scramble for [BEEP!]! Not sure if she lead in yards LOST last year, but she HAS to be Top 3! I had to get aggressively creative to get points on the board.


FAQS: So you’re looking for aggression from your players this year. Are there any that have managed to impress you, besides Angie?


GENERIC HEEL: I appreciate how hard Cartier hits, and I also appreciate how she looks at me as if I am going to be her next bad idea. And that whole "I'm pretending to be a demon" thing from Daniela is both hot and dangerous, so that helps.


FAQS: Interesting! I understand Cartier generates a lot of power through her neck and Daniela draws power from the underworld. Do you have any plans or training regimens that you plan to employ to get more results from your players?


GENERIC HEEL: Well, there IS the intense cardio sessions that are mandatory. Roxy knows all about that. Her mom does, too. #2For1Deal! Additionally, everyone has to pass the FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SUCKING ASS written test. Multiple choice.


FAQS: Would you mind sharing the current pass/fail rate?


GENERIC HEEL: Final Exam is this Friday, right before game time. Anyone who doesn't pass owes me laps! And licks! And #SpoilerAlert, there is TONS of room for extra credit and my calendar is clear for anyone looking for one-on-one tutoring.


FAQS: Would you mind sharing your thoughts on your expectations from the Hit Girls this season?


GENERIC HEEL: I expect to at LEAST double our wins from last year, even if that means I have to whack Kenzi's ass with a paddle. Sidney Grey knows all about my skills with a paddle. And expect Roxy to be THE most watched receiver in the entire league again.


FAQS: Lofty goals Sir! Before I conclude this, I understand you’re putting your epic undefeated streak on the line in Fight 2 Win. Is there anything you’d like to say to your generic fans?


GENERIC HEEL: My fans know exactly what to expect from me: Another win is expected, so that it is expectedly generic. Wins for that hot mama Elina Cartel are probably rare, and thus NOT generic, but she'll learn real quick why I am undefeated in 27 years of combat.


FAQS: An amazing win streak in any sport Sir! Thank you for sharing your time with me today and best of luck on Friday!

-FIN-

FAQS: Maki, do you have time to speak with me about the LFL and your game with the Hit Girls?


MELISSA AKI: Yes of course!


FAQS: Fantastic! First things first, game one was a loss to The Burn. Probably not the way you had hoped your first regular season game would go. That being said, you had a pretty solid performance out there. How are you feeling?


MELISSA AKI: I am a bit annoyed that we lost especially after having a very good pre-season win last week. I felt myself and Ash did a good job but offensively we let ourselves down but we will bounce back.


FAQS: Speaking of the offense and Ashley Marie Chase, you two have actually had a huge impact there. I’m not sure of you realize it or not, but you two led in pancakes! You had 7 and AMC had 10! Are the two of you in competition for top honors there?


MELISSA AKI: Yes we both love pancakes and we eat them every day! But seriously we are competing for who can do the most pancakes. It also helps the team as we are competitive and know each other so well. It is important and I felt we opened up Mili very well


FAQS: Very impressive, especially since this is your rookie season! I’m sure that you will only improve from here! How much of that do you attribute to the coaching of Generic Heel?


MELISSA AKI: Well he is a mentor but also a bit of a chauvinistic, narcissistic pig. As well as a hell of a pervert but as long as we get results I don't care


FAQS: I’m sorry you have to put up with that. Perhaps you can take your concerns to Sidney Grey?


MELISSA AKI: Maybe it is me as I do not deal well with authority figures.. I just want the team to improve and be the best American Rugby team in the LFL


FAQS: Let’s switch gears. After the game you took off immediately for another engagement, can you share what that was?


MELISSA AKI: Yes I had to go to a big event for WWA Wrestling called Boom or Bust II. I managed to defeat Taryn Willow and win the hardcore title.


FAQS: That is an amazing accomplishment! You must be sore from head to toe after such a grueling day! Tell us, what’s next for you?


MELISSA AKI: I am very tired and my body hurts but in the next week I have a few days off to train and socialize before I head to GWD and a massive match for me and then it’s back training for wrestling and the Hit Girls.


FAQS: As always Maki, you continue to impress! Thank you for sharing your time with me today!


MELISSA AKI: My pleasure doll!

-FIN-

FAQS: Kenzi do you have time to speak with me about the LFL and the Hit Girls?


KENZI LACKLAN: Sure, I guess. What’s up?


FAQS: You guys had a tough loss for your season opener at home against Phoenix. Despite the fact that you picked up Defensive Player of the Game honors and you remain the leading tackler for The Hit Girls, there are people in Cincy calling for your head. Does that bother you?


KENZI LACKLAN: Of course it does! I go out there and I try my best to bring some wins to this team! When that doesn’t happen I take it personally. I am the team captain and am responsible for how this team performs. Get one of the Player of the Game honors is great, but Cincy needs me to be the Offensive Player of the Game. That is what they pay me for.


FAQS: Your wife is the majority owner of the team and your mother is acting General Manager. It seems unlikely that either of them would cut you, but if they did, which team would you try out for?


KENZI LACKLAN: I wouldn’t try out for any other team! Cincy is the team that I signed on with and when my career in the LFL comes to a close, it will close out right here…whether they fire me or I retire. All I want to do is get out there and do this city proud; there isn’t another team out there for me, Cincy is my LFL home.


FAQS: Let me ask you about your new coach, Generic Heel. He has been at the center of controversy lately with the chauvinistic comments he frequently makes over social media about your teammates and others. What are your thoughts about him?


KENZI LACKLAN: He wasn’t my choice to become Head Coach and if I had my way he wouldn’t be! This is a league for and about females and I think it paints a very bad picture to have a coach who says these things and has this piss poor attitude toward us! Right now, it’s all just talk, but each and every girl in that locker room is my responsibility and if any of them ever feels like he crosses a line with them, then we will have a problem…but we won’t have it for very long!


FAQS: Would you be looking to report him to the league office?


KENZI LACKLAN: No, but he will probably wish that I had! Madd Maxine is 6 foot 5 and 250 pounds! One word to her and I am sure that all of this crap will be over…quick, fast, and in a hurry!


FAQS: Let’s talk about your endeavors off the field. You recently retired from wrestling, so what are you looking to do now?


KENZI LACKLAN: I’m not retired, I’m just between federations. I signed on for UGWC Chill, but I am not current a regular roster member anywhere. Maybe in a few months I will find someplace to make home, but right now I am more into moving my film career forward.


FAQS: Ah! I heard that you recently became the owner of your own production studio. Tell us about it!


KENZI LACKLAN: YES! Actually, my wife purchased it for me so that I can make the kind of films that I want to make without being tied to CTN…though I intent to continue my collaboration with them. I haven’t named the company yet and everything is still in a state of flux, but in the coming months I am looking forward to getting back out there; in front of and behind the camera!


FAQS: That sounds great! I want to thank you for taking the time to talk with me today. Best of luck for the rest of the season!


KENZI LACKLAN: Thank you very much!

-FIN-

FAQS: Angie, do you have some time to talk to me about your game with the LA Stars?


ANGIE VAUGHN: Totes! I mean obvs. I mean, wait, are you recording already? Oh, erm... Yes, sir!


FAQS: First of all, GREAT game by you in a tough loss. I can’t believe that you were snubbed out of Defensive Player of the Game honors! Three passes defended and two interceptions, not to mention being absolute money in the kicking game.


ANGIE VAUGHN: Thank you! I really AM quite happy with my own performance, but I would much rather have been a mediocre pawn in a victory, as the team performance always comes first. As for being snubbed, I don't think that's true, as Beth Taylor was a beast on the field and fully deserved it. But even though I got two interceptions, I'm especially happy I made two rather long field goals. I've missed way too many in my rookie season so I hope I can turn that around.


FAQS: Humble as always. You did about as well as you possibly could have on Game Day. I want you to be honest, what do you think was the reason for the loss against the Stars?


ANGIE VAUGHN: Our O-line has to improve. And I know I have a part to play in that. We don't always give Kenzi the time or freedom a QB needs to make big plays, so that's on us more than it is on her. And teebee aitch, there was a bit of an erm... suspicious collapse during one sack. But anyway, I don't want to talk down my team mates too much, we're all here to work hard, play hard and have fun. I think. One of them maybe not so much.


FAQS: Come on Ang, this is just between the two of us. Tell me who didn’t carry their load in that game.


ANGIE VAUGHN: I think we all did the best we could. It seemed to me at certain times like someone is trying to sabotage us from the inside out, but that's probably just me subconsciously looking for a way to explain our losses. I need to look inwards and focus on how *I* can improve, not play the blame game. That would be poor sportsmanship. And like my new good friend Cartier always says, "I ain't bout that life", or something.


FAQS: You continue to be nothing but a consummate professional Ms. Vaughn. Before I wrap up, where can your fans see you next?


ANGIE VAUGHN: You Gee Dub See Synergy! I have a bit of ground to make up there as well. Too bee aitch, thing haven't gone all that well for me lately on a professional level. BUT! Never too late to turn it around. Everybody hits rough patches from time to time, I guess. Gotta keep believing in myself. That's the only way forward. I have a lot of people who support me, so I can't let them down!


FAQS: Hey, rough patches or no, you’re still a champion! Thank you very much for sharing your time today!


ANGIE VAUGHN: No probz!

-FIN-

FAQS: Mrs. Lacklan, do you have time to talk about your game with The Stars? Don’t worry, I am fluent in French, so I can translate for our readers.


Aveline Lacklan: Le sigh.

Yes, Monsieur, I have time. And no, you will not need to translate. I suspect that you would do something stupid like use the Bing or Google translator and get everything wrong. I will lower myself to the level of you cows and use an inferior language.


FAQS: Gee, thanks! I think... First off, thanks for taking the time. I know you’ve been quite busy with things since the terrible accident at the homeless shelter a few days ago.


Aveline Lacklan: It has been difficult, but important work always is. And I have found a place for those effected to live not too far from their streets in Bangor.


FAQS: I’m sure you want to issue some sort of thanks to your Hit Girls teammates for donating the gate to assist in those people. You can do it now if you like.


Aveline Lacklan: All thanks in that regard go to our manager, Sidney Grey. She is one of the most beautiful people I have met in the last year, inside and out, and a fantastic mother. No doubt it was those superior maternal instincts which led her to champion my cause.


FAQS: Wow! I don’t think anyone had ever said that of Sid, ever! I know her daughter hasn’t. Leading me to my next question; people are saying that you intentionally missed a block on the last play of the game that resulted in Kenzi Grey taking a rather big hit. Please address that.


Aveline Lacklan: God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes He wants you to make a block. Sometimes He does not. Either way, perhaps the child should work on her evasion skills, if she is to be so fragile. It is no wonder why there is such a movement for a replacement.


FAQS: There are rumors that she was injured on the play. Are you meaning to say that you don’t feel responsible because it’s God’s will?


Aveline Lacklan: It would be blasphemous to take credit for His will, in either case. Still, I suppose it is a good thing the child retired from wrestling. Weak constitution and body, that one. I suppose a lifetime of drinking and whoring will do that to you.


FAQS: A few players on the team have expressed their displeasure with your judgmental attitude. Does it bother you that your teammates feel like they are under constant attack by you?


Aveline Lacklan: I care not if their feelings are hurt by the truth. As my husband is fond of saying, it is my job to hold up the mirror, and theirs to be shamed by their reflection. I am not bothered by their anger but by their refusal to change. Nearly all of them are whores and miscreants to their core, but I hold faith that I can bring them to the Path of Light.

Mind you, not everyone is terrible. Roxy has hope, if she would just marry Vinny already, and Coda is a lovely woman


FAQS: Where can the fans see you next?


Aveline Lacklan: Tonight in Chicago where I face Dave Rydell for UGWC. I am their Champion of Chaos and will defend my title at No Holds Barred next Monday.


FAQS: Well, best of luck to you Ma’am!


Aveline Lacklan: I do not need luck. I have Him


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