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Post by Publicist on Mar 22, 2020 8:26:56 GMT -5
 CTN INSIDER MAGAZINE
March 2020
Sarah Grey-Lacklan willed her way to successfully defending her UGWC World Title against the odds at In Your Hands. Now she finally gets the match she's always wanted against Angie Vaughn at the Coalition 10 year Anniversary event, Coalescence!
Francis Alexander Quinn
3/23/2020Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan has been on quite a roll since capturing the UGWC World Title from Roxy Cotton. She has taken on all comers, including a very stiff challenge in Gabriel Baal to retain her title at the fan service event, “In Your Hands.” Lacklan is now on a collision course with her sister, Angie Vaughn, the number one contender to her title. This clash has been a long time coming, and for a while it seemed as if it might never happen.
Late last year Vaughn was in line to earn a shot at Lacklan, but stumbled against a surging Dave Rydell in a grudge match, turned into a number 1 contender’s match. Lacklan retained her title, still hoping that Vaughn would find her way back into contendership; which she did in spectacular fashion. She earned her shot at the World Title in January by running through the greatest talent in Coalition history at "Infinity."
All eyes will be on this match, a clash between two of the most dominant forces in the Coalition over the course of the last year. Vaughn is already a surefire Hall of Famer and Lacklan is hardly far behind. On paper, this is a dream match and a contrast in styles that is sure to intrigue the UGWC odds makers…but there is another side to this match. It isn’t all only about the spirit of competition.
Lacklan felt betrayed by Vaughn after learning that the two of them weren’t only sisters in arms, but sisters in blood as well. Vaughn had known of the ‘dirty family secret’ for months, but had decided to keep it hidden from Lacklan. We can only speculate on Vaughn’s reason for hiding the secret from her ‘best friend,’ but what we don’t have to speculate about is Lacklan’s propensity for violence whenever she feels the situation calls for it. Lacklan and Vaughn seem chummy now, but things can turn on a dime when the bell rings, and with the added bonus of the richest prize in the sport on the line, there won’t be any punches pulled.
Coalescence is shaping up to be a landmark event and this clash between siblings is sure to leave tongues wagging the day after. Which sister comes out on top is anyone’s guess with Vaughn as the Sports Entertainer of the Year and Lacklan a seemingly unstoppable force inside the ring. This will be a barnburner that either unites two of UGWC’s finest in the spirit of competition or fractures family beyond repair.
There is irony in the name of this upcoming pay-per-view…a great deal of irony, indeed.
________________________
[FIN]
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Post by Publicist on Mar 22, 2020 8:29:00 GMT -5
COOL RANKINGS
Welcome to the SECOND BATCH of 2020 Cool Rankings! The last few weeks as seen much of the UGWC goingson be in the hands of the mouth-breathers, from title contenders to match types, and we've seen a few debuts and departures. Lets see how everything has broken down after two complete PPV cycles:
10 - Duncan Ryder - 5.33 pts - Overall Record: 2-1
Old Man D-Ride is doing well for himself! One of the greatest (but not THE greatest) Cooperative Champs has had his eyes set on Deimos, and while he didn’t get the outcome he wanted at IYH, its evident we will see them go at it, again. Now, SOME PEOPLE are questioning why HE is #10 on the list while others just missed the cut-off, and the answer to THAT is simple: Win percentage, mang. Raaaaaaaab and the Cutie also have 2 wins, but a lot more Ls. We’ll see how long Duncan can keep up the 67%!
9 - Hide Yamazaki - 7.25 pts - Overall Record: 3-5
Hide did NOT have the best cycle in the world. The Monstrous Mayhem took 3 Ls, but DID also pick up a HUGE win in a main event cooperative match against me, but I’m pretty sure we ALL know that THAT match was more about Thunder falling on his face than anything else. What’s next to Hide? I’m not sure. He’s failed in attempts at the Cooperative AND Cross-Hemisphere Championships AND he lost to THE World Champ in a non-title match, so there can’t been TOO much hope placed upon the shoulders of the Battleground Survivor. My best suggestion for him would be to put his sights on Tempest!
8 - Donovan Hastings - 9.6 pts - Overall Record: 4-0-1
Ugh...THIS guy. I know that SOME PEOPLE are all ERMAHGERD HE WOULD HAVE BEAT YOU and all, but the reality is this: He spent half the cycle sitting on his ass and the other proving that the only thing "inevitable" was his pointless contribution to the debate. He got yet ANOTHER meaningless win over a man determined to ruin his legacy at In Your Hands, and for those who DO think he would have beat me, its, at best, a case of shoulda/woulda/coulda.7 - Kenzi Grey - 10.83 pts - Overall Record: 4-2
My Beloved fell a spot this PPV cycle due to someone finally being able to best her in a Chaos Match. Before IYH, Kenzi had a cycle filled with some of her usual shenanigans, including a Synergy win, but the crazy unpredictability of the IYH vote was too much for her. Right this second, the Light of my life is resting at home and will be back before you know it!
6 - Tempest - 12.25 pts - Overall Record: 5-3
Speaking of Tempest! THIS guy is going to be getting his ass kicked VERY soon. Oh, he’ll tweet some dumb goth shit no one cares about and then scare some children while ripping off Stephen King, but then he’ll be getting his ass kicked very very VERY hard5 - Travis Roberts - 13.93 pts - Overall Record: 5-2
TRober(t) continues to find himself settling in and NOT being the embarrassing self-important delusional jackass who had his last good days when I was a freakin’ teenager by having a great few weeks! Well, two weeks, anyway. I mean, dude DID take an L the first week out AND skipped out on work the next one. But, hey, he was able to NOT get in Deimos’ way on that one Synergy long enough to get a win before getting lucky enough to unhook a couple of belts as he crashed down to the mat, right?
4 - Angie Vaughn - 15 pts - Overall Record: 6-2
My baby sister did well for herself this cycle, including getting a rare victory over me (those we ALL know what that was REALLY about!), but then stumbled a bit at the end. As I mentioned before, I absolutely want to see her continue to work with the Cutie AFTER she does the RIGHT THING and LOSES AT COALESCENCE
3 - Alan Wallace - 16 pts - Overall Record: 6-2
Vain bounced back from a TOUGH Global Challenge loss to Angie by going 3-0 during the cycle! Two Synergy wins over the Cutie helped get his team in the right frame of mind to defend their titles at IYH, and we are absolutely seeing a resurgence of the Vain who was such a big player...and sometimes straight-up dominated...in 2014/15/18. I, for one, am VERY curious to what Blessed Vanity will be dealing with at Coalescence!
2 - Phrixus Deimos - 16.71 pts - Overall Record: 6-1
JUST edging out Vain is the (technically) best record in the UGWC! Thus far undefeated on Synergy, Deimos has 100% found his BEST stride in YEARS with his focus on being more than just a gate keeper, but the literal incarnation of the Cross-Hemisphere Title. And speaking as a Cross-Hemisphere Champion Expert, I can tell you that there have been GREAT things from Deimos thus far! The division is suited for a particular type of fighter, which just so happens to be in the proverbial wheelhouse of the Fearsome One, and he's proving that he is TOUGH to beat sometimes!
1 - Sarah Lacklan - 17.5 pts - Overall Record: 6-2
What the? How? Huh? How did THAT happen?
Oh, that's right.
Not just the DEFENDING World Champion
THE REIGNING
Thunder may have fallen on his face and gotten me an L against my baby sister (not ALL of my recruits can be S-Tier!), but that didn't stop me from fulfilling my plan two cycles in a row. Barring any crazy-as-flame circumstances (like being dumb enough to let myself get pinned on Synergy and then losing the title out of nowhere!), I will walk into the match that YOU have ALL earned, that of Lacklan vs. Vaughn, as the 4th longest reigning World Champion in UGWC history, fully halfway to my ultimate goal of 365. Additionally, as of THIS writing, I am 6-down, 21-to-go on my OTHER goal, that of 27, but am also VERY aware that THREE OTHER PEOPLE are also at that exact same pace.
I will be ever vigilant.
Oh, and as a final little send-off here, now that I'm in a better mood a week after IYH, I will take the opportunity to say this, though please understand it is with nothing in the way of silliness and is, instead, fully in the way of respect and understand.
I do, indeed, still see you, Doctor.
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Post by Publicist on Mar 22, 2020 8:29:51 GMT -5
Hello everyone! Ashley Allen here to welcome you to the CTN Magazine EXCLUSIVE Dear Bordy article! Circle Televisions MOST POPULAR relationship and life advice program is here with a few bits and bobs that didn't otherwise make it to air, and we figured what better place than HERE to bring you answers to some pressing questions brought to the very emissary of God. And without further adieu, allow me to introduce you to the Queen of Red, the Edge and Blade of God, the Queen Mother herself, Aveline Lacklan, and get to YOUR questions!
Oh, poor child! Matters of family often cross odd lines, n'est-ce pas? For instance, I make it a regularly practice to bath my daughter-in-law with love, affection, and kindness, and often receive vileness in return! But I do not let these little matters of silliness affect my efforts. Non non! I persevere in the face of this emotional refusal, just as the One Lord God would wish of me, and so I implore you, as well. You say that your wife is otherwise perfect, which surely means that she obeys you and loves God, and so it will likely just be a matter of time until she sees the Light in regards to your cousin. Just keep up your efforts!
What is this "yogo," though? You must write back and tell me of it!
Tell me, Moon Child, have you tried to NOT be a drunken slut? I imagine that if you should put down the bottle you would find that your mind is no longer clouded by the lies of the Enemy! But should you not be able to do this, please contact Ashley! The Path of the Light Church offers an intensive program which is guaranteed to keep the Enemy at bay. It will restore your virginity! It will take away the hold the vile drink has over your mind! And it will certainly remove any other desires to go to that warren of sin which is Las Vegas!
I am sorry to tell you that, yes, are you indeed continuing to lose the argument. You are, to use your own words, a complete loser.
Mon enfant! There is so much to unpack here, oui? Stay away from depraved images for ANY reason! Win arguments through logic and faith and not distraction! Stay away from bearing false witness, as handed down by Moses himself! Do not do things for the pride of any harlot, regardless of the color of her hair! Refrain from laying with another man because society right this moment makes you feel special for doing so!
STAY AWAY from the temptations of the Enemy!
And definitely stay away from the harlots who might color their hair pink. In my experience, women who make themselves so ugly on the outside are reflecting how ugly they feel on the inside.
Beauty is far more than the condition of our skin, mon enfant. Our attractiveness is about our character, our faith, our love for God, and our honesty. It is about what drives us and makes us better people in His eyes. In fact, any woman who would love you only for your face, is not a woman worth either you or God's time.
Have you spoken to her about this? Have you approached her? I suggest you do. Point blank. See where her heart truly lies.
Many years before I met my husband, il est ressuscité, must of his body was scarred from a fire, including his entire head. His face was disfigured, all of his hair burned away and with this skull left a mass of burn scars. Most ran from him. Were afraid of him.
I was not.
He showed me, and me alone, what his face looked like. He removed his mask. And I saw nothing but beauty. Nothing but the beauty of his soul reflecting in his face.
He never, EVER wore his mask again when he and I were alone together.
If you are as disfigured as he was, and if your wife is as strong of character as I am, then you have nothing to fear.
But if not, then you leave her whore ass on the roadside and find yourself a good Lacklanlander girl. Contact Ashley and she will get you signed up for LacklanlandMingle.com today!
Merci beaucoup! I was contacted by a certain member of the Consortium some time ago, and while I was kept in the dark about what I was going to do...and still am a touch at this moment...I was told that it would be for the honor of the Chaos Championship, and as I am forever the Champion du Chaos, I knew that it MUST include me. Truth be told...as we must ALWAYS tell the truth and stay AWAY from filthy lies...I am not exactly the warrior I was a year ago. The Dragon has slept for quite a bit, but I am sure that some extensive time with the rest of the House of Lacklan, I will be more than prepared to fight for the honor of the Chaos Championship with Chaos and Ichabod!
That’s it for today, everyone! Thank you for ALL of those letters, tweets, emails, snailmails, and even some CoolMail messages! Don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe, and join us both in the Circle Television Network and the CTN Magazine for ALL of the installments of Dear Bordy! This is Ashley Allen saying Goodbye and Thank you for the Queen Mother, Aveline Lacklan!
Have YOU thanked God for His Light today? |
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Post by Publicist on Mar 22, 2020 8:30:48 GMT -5
CENTERFOLD
This issue’s featured model is Atara Themis of XWF fame! She is the current XWF Federweight Champion!
**Disclaimer: Our magazine editor has no idea that Atara is this issue's centerfold. We will probably all be fired after she sees this. | INSIDER FACTS Real Name: Atara Eirene Themis Nicknames: Aphrodite Incarnete - Atty Social Media: atarathemisCompanies: XWF | GCC | SPLAT!- Every Tuesday, without fail, Atara eats Tacos for dinner - She's a Greek mythology nerd - She hopes to one day play opposite Tom Hardy in movie - Wonder Woman is her favorite comic book hero - She works with an coach to mask her native Greek accent
Atara stays busy with her in-ring career. She faces Fuzz for the XWF X-Treme Championship at the March Madness pay-per-view on the 29th. Next month she will participate in the SPLAT! Triad Challenge. Also in April, she will debut for Global Combat Championship. Lastly, she has be cast as Isis in DC Forever People. Be sure to keep an eye on this one! |
Centerfold ©
Circle Television Network 2020
All Rights Reserved |
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Post by Publicist on Mar 22, 2020 9:13:17 GMT -5
THE GENERIC WRESTLING RECAP
 You know what really takes the marshmallows off my yams? When the people who are SUPPOSED to win a match end up LOSING them. Now, I have ZERO idea what THAT is like, you see, since I am STILL undefeated in 27 years of wrestling, but I know people, a LOT of people, otherwise GOOD PEOPLE, who HAVE found themselves on the losing side when they SHOULD have won. And, much to the detriment of my prediction percentage, which is normally VERY high, there are, indeed, LOSERS who have LOST their matches! Lets see how these LOSERS lost their BIGGEST battle to date, that of my respect.
Name: In Your Hands
Date: Monday, March 9, 2020
Arena: America Airlines Arena, Miami, Florida
Not gonna lie, we kinda dodged a bullet by getting out of that shithole before the roxyvirus swarmed in and caused so much damage.
Theme Song: "My Way" by Frank Sinatra
Pfft. After I told them how much Throwing Copper's "TBD" sucked, they leapt at the chance to change it.
Announcers: Nick Vinegar, Hans Lieberjosch, and Covert Jay
Chumpachange
Phrixus Deimos vs. Fan's Choice (Bolt Shockley, Danny James, Duncan Ryder, Hide Yamazaki, Konrad Raab, Sebastian Everett-Bryce, or The Generic Heel)
My pick: Phrixus Deimos
Actual winner: Phrixus Deimos
Naturally, the crowd was TERRIFIED to vote for me, as I predicted they would. AND Deimos retained against that dude with this shitty, flat no-definition abs. This counts as two correct predictions, of course.
Singles Match
Dave Rydell
vs
The Thunder
My pick: the Thunder
Actual winner: Dave Rydell
Remember that whole "fucking losers who lose matches they are supposed to win" thing I said earlier? This is one of them. Thunder once nearly murdered me with a powerbomb a lifetime ago, but it sure does seem like those days are LONG behind us. Talk about a letdown.
Chaos Championship
RP Stip: Promo must include a bunch of stuff that's probably in Kenzi's Lezbo Sex Toy Closet
Kenzi Grey
vs
Fan's Choice (Maria Salvatore, Tempest, or Travis Pierce)
My pick: Kenzi Grey, through VERY intimate knowledge of all of the weapons
Actual winner: Tempest
There's this Kenzi gif out there where she talks about becoming a twitter lesbian. In it, she says "didn't see it coming" while she does that grimace thing and slightly shakes her head. That if would be appropriate here. Still, I was absolutely correct on how Kenzi had way way way way way too much intimate knowledge of all of those Lezbo Sex Toy Closet items, so I'm actually going to count this as a win.
Battle royal
All of the people not chosen for the CH and Chaos Matches
My pick: The Generic Heel
Actual winner: The Generic Heel x2
Not only was I right about being the REAL winner of this battle royal (I did, after all, beat Hide to the buffet and left NOTHING for him), but I also wore Maria out something FIERCE. That's two wins right there!
Ladder Match for the Cooperative Championship
Alan Wallace and Travis Roberts
vs
Angelica Vaughn and Sloane Taylor
My pick: Team Boobs
Actual winner: Team No Boobs
The fuck is this shit. How, and I DO MEAN HOW, does the team with NO BOOBS beat the team WITH BOOBS, especially when one of the sets of boobs is a graduate of both the Generic School of Wrestling AND wears the official "The Great GH took my cherry" t-shirt? I blame Darth Prickles.
Runner-Up Match
Donovan Hastings
vs
Jet Somers
My pick to lose: the Fans, because no boobs
Actual losers: the Fans, because no boobs
Yep, I was right. The fans absolutely lost on this match. Chalk up another victory for Da Generic Guy!
World Heavyweight Championship
Sarah Lacklan
vs
Fan's Choice
My pick: Jet Somers
Actual winner: Sarah Lacklan
Fucking fans ruined it. It was SUPPOSED to be Jet Somers in this match, but NOOOOOOO. The fans fucked up and chose the doctor who fell on his face at the Global Challenge. Instead, we get ANOTHER three weeks with the two-dimensional twitter lesbian on top. Good job lousing THIS one up. At least this means that she'll finally fall flat on her back at the next PPV when she fights Angie "GH opened more than just my mind!" Vaughn.
Well, that's everything, all you Genericaholics. My pick record comes in at 6-2 for the night and a running grand total of 10-5. I'll see you all at Coalescence!
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Post by Publicist on Mar 22, 2020 9:24:44 GMT -5
CTN STAR ON THE MEND, REMAINS QUIET ON RETURNFrancis Alexander Quinn
3/23/2020
Kenzi Grey-Lacklan lost her Chaos Championship Title to Tempest at UGWC "In Your Hands" after the fans voted for him to receive a rematch. This has proven to be Grey-Lacklan's Achilles heel; as fans will remember, she lost the Cooperative Championships to Sebastian Everette Bryce III and Sloane Taylor, just weeks after initially successfully defending her title against them on pay-per-view. This recent lost was particularly devastating, as Grey-Lacklan sustained serious facial injuries during the chaos rules match. The extent of the exact injuries are unknown, but cryptic social media posts from the star has led fans to believe that they disfiguring and possibly career ending.
CTN first reported this on March 18, 2020.
Grey-Lacklan is reportedly seeking treatment at this time. We will update fans as we learn more about the extent of her injuries and news on her return.
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