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Post by Publicist on Feb 17, 2020 18:03:05 GMT -5
 CTN INSIDER MAGAZINE
February 2020
Sarah Grey-Lacklan hopes to defend her UGWC World Title against former champion, Angie Vaughn, but now the Champion must earn the right to do so!
Sarah’s epic rise to the top of the Coalition has made her the person to beat, but now the odds will be stacked against her as she finds herself confronted with an unknown challenger, the choice of which is all in the hands of the fans!
Who will step up in an attempt to dash Sarah’s hopes for a match against her own flesh and blood? The decision is sure to rock the foundations of the Coalition, but not their champion. Sarah has shown that she will do anything to get what she wants, and now the match she has yearned for is IN HER HANDS!
________________________
[FIN]
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Post by Publicist on Feb 17, 2020 18:04:45 GMT -5
COOL RANKINGS
Welcome everyone to the FIRST BATCH of UGWC Cool Rankings for 2020! This is the 10th anniversary of the Coalition and we are all pushing straight toward Coalescence, which will see returning starts to revisit old rivalries, spotlights on the newest and brightest, and battles between Old and New. But before we get there, we’ve gone to Infinity and the GLOBALIST of Global Challenges, with nearly every participant in this year’s tournament being a former winner. This first cycle of the 2020 season saw a few great matches, the antics of the first of what should be ten revolving Creative Directors, and even a rare Mrs. G-L vs. Mrs G-L match. Lets take a look at the first set of numbers in my NEW format:
10 - Alex Kiseragi and Zane Scott - 3 pts - Overall Record: 1-1 (both)
A-Kis was one of the returning “legends” who had better hope that he doesn’t stick around too long. Sure, yeah, he was able to pick up a victory in his first match in many years, but that was against Travis Pierce, who, as we all know, has the ninth worst winning percentage in the entire history of the company. In other words, Kissy Face could have been half dead and still picked up those two sweet Cool Points! His MEHness was on full display at Infinity and, for his own sake, I hope he doesn’t stick around long enough to fight me, because it will NOT be pretty for him!
Meanwhile, Zane FINALLY got reinstated after he snorted up a giant mouthful of snot and blew it onto Old Glory like I do my mist into people’s faces. NOT COOL, ZANE! NOT COOL! But, he DID get into the semis of the GC, which is further than I expected him. But then he did something stupid, got dragged out of the arena (that was funny!), and reverted back into being a little bitch who cries about everything online. I wish I could say tilting Zane was a fun thing to do, but its become so easy these days that I really shouldn’t be spending any time on it. You don’t act like stepping on a bug is an accomplishment, ya know?
9 - Hide Yamazaki - 5 pts - Overall Record: 2-2
Hide’s doing well for himself! I mean, not GREAT or anything, not EXCELLENT, but good! Very solid. Sure, he lost in the two main events he was in, including getting beat by ME in order to silence all of the critics who wondered what would have happened if we fought at Horizons, but he's earned himself some title matches!
8 - Donovan Hastings - 5.33 pts - Overall Record: 2-0-1
Dono-Hash beat Vain to get into the Global Challenge...and then had that stripped of him because Captain Emo decided to be Captain Emo...and then had ANOTHER qualifier against the Cutie turn into nothing. But a great follow-up win at the PPV gave sweet, wonderful, Lady Levene to gift him the opportunity to be chosen as the World Title contender at In Your Hands
7 - Tempest - 7.5 pts - Overall Record: 3-1
Ugh. THIS guy. This is a great example of how the system can reward people in the short term before they fall to the wayside in the long term. Sure, Tempest picked up 3 Synergy wins, but it wasn’t against much more than our local squash agriculturalists, and the title match he “earned” by jumping Mackenzie from behind ended exactly as how we all knew it would.
6 - Phrixus Deimos - 8 pts - Overall Record: 3-1
Speaking of guys who are undefeated on Synergy, Deimos did a bunch of Deimos Stuff and has been interesting, though I am sure he’s disappointed by his performance in the Challenge. I know I would be! And while he’s defending the CH title right out the gate this next cycle, I was kinda hoping he would somehow get away with not having to defend it, again!
5 - Alan Wallace - 8.7 pts - Overall Record: 3-2
Now THAT is how you start to get your mojo back! The Vaininator’s 2019 was arguably the worst year of his career, and even his success in the later half is real EH to watch. But THIS year has started with successfully defending his Cooperative Championship and being runner-up in the Challenge. And speaking as a Global Challenge Runner-Up Expert, I can say that big things, VERY big things, can be in store for him this year
3 - Kenzi Grey and Travis Roberts - 9 pts - Overall Record: 3-1 (both)
TRoberts had a great start! An “interesting” adventure with Deimos was the first of three wins that included defending his Cooperative Championships and getting out of the clusterfuck round of the Global Challenge, which is easier said that done (Love you, Kenzi!). While he’s had a hard time “finding himself,” as it were, since his return at the Melee last year, TRoberts is one of those people who could either confirm his legacy this year or forever tarnish it.
Meanwhile, my Beloved has murdered just about everything in front of her this year! She has fended off the LATEST “ermahgerd Imma jump you and get a title shot” douchebag, suckerpunched Dave SEVERAL times, and got to mess around with me in the ring before we messed around in the hotel after! Listen, I know that my wife’s “career clock” is ticking so hard right now that every champion is quaking in their boots, but no matter what happens as we move forward, I can guarantee that she will be at the top of this ALL year long
2 - Sarah Lacklan - 10 pts - Overall Record: 3-1
Well well, would you look at that! Much like the Chaos Champion above, THE World’s Champion did exactly what she said she was going to do all Infinity long. Multiple wins in the Main Event? CHECK! Beat up Dave and made him regret ever thinking he was more than a pile of refuse? CHECK! Been the main focus of the entire company? CHECK! I made a few of my goals clear a few weeks ago (27 wins and 365 days as champion), but those are not my ONLY goals, and the best is yet to come
1 - Angie Vaughn - 10.6 pts - Overall Record: 4-1
And JUST edging me out of the top spot is my baby sister Angelica. After stumbling out of the gate at the first Synergy...likely due to her freakishly long legs...Angelica went a perfect 3-0 at Infinity in order to capture the tournament win she has longed for, and give us the opportunity to give the business the match it has EARNED for Coalescence:
The first ever Angelica Vaughn vs. Sarah Lacklan singles match
For the UGWC World Heavyweight Championship
Angelica’s card is punched, if I may borrow a phrase from my wife, and the reality of this match depends upon me retaining another time.
Everything is in MY hands |
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Post by Publicist on Feb 17, 2020 18:05:56 GMT -5
Hello everyone! Ashley Allen here to welcome you to the CTN Magazine EXCLUSIVE Dear Bordy article! Circle Televisions MOST POPULAR relationship and life advice program is here with a few bits and bobs that didn't otherwise make it to air, and we figured what better place than HERE to bring you answers to some pressing questions brought to the very emissary of God. And without further adieu, allow me to introduce you to the Queen of Red, the Edge and Blade of God, the Queen Mother herself, Aveline Lacklan, and get to YOUR questions!
Oh, ma chere fille, while I am glad to hear you are attempting to leave your harlot ways behind...if I remember correctly from the beginning of the year, you were spending all of your time posting inappropriate pictures and attempting to steal the men from God-fearing women...I am afraid that you still seem to be captured by the Enemies' lies within the world.
Valentine's Day is PROFANE!
Carnal relationships with your pets is PROFANE!
Lusting over the relationships of others is covered under Commandment Number Nine, thus comparing yourself to others in this regard is PROFANE!
I know that I had dear, sweet Ashley send you a pamphlet for our Born Again Virgin program so that you could turn away from your carnal ways, and I will now have her send you the entire video package. This is your chance to save yourself, Miss Harlot!
There is much to unwrap here, so allow me a moment to take this apart:
- Lusting for a married woman is profanity, as I discussed before with PinkHairedHarlot. Do not covet the wife of another man! Turn away from the false desires of THIS world and focus on the promise of Heaven!
- It sounds as if your current romantic partner is what some would call a "whore." Judging by your words, I assume it is one of those useless children who post inappropriate pictures of themselves online and otherwise add nothing of value to the world. Please send me the social media accounts of this supposed girlfriend of yours and I will make sure that my team fixes all of her images so that they are appropriate. Our usage of tiny French flags will made any whore look good in God's eyes!
- I am always here to help, child. The help you seek is simple to find: Leave any whorish ways behind, look up to the wrestlers of this world who stand up for God, and bask in His glory!
Mon pauvre enfant! How difficult this must be for you! Thankfully, I have been in a similar situation, and I believe I can help. For a year or two, I competed in a football league where the uniforms were no better than rags covered in lace, which were likely to rustle up the desires of the Enemy in men. Many wondered why I would subject myself to such PROFANITY, but it was for God's glory! I knew that I could fight and work, filled with His light, in a sea of filth, and show the world that you can do so without falling for the lies of the Enemy. Indeed, there was more than one slut or harlot within the Lingerie Football League who saw me and took heart! As long as you are working for His glory, you will be able to withstand any amount of indecency thrust at you. That being said, you may wish to ask for a modification of the uniform. In my case, I was able to work out a uniform where I did not have to show body parts that were only meant for the eyes of my husband, Jean-Paul, Il est ressuscité. Fight and persevere, ma fille!
That’s it for today, everyone! Thank you for ALL of those letters, tweets, emails, snailmails, and even some CoolMail messages! Don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe, and join us both in the Circle Television Network and the CTN Magazine for ALL of the installments of Dear Bordy! This is Ashley Allen saying Goodbye and Thank you for the Queen Mother, Aveline Lacklan!
Have YOU thanked God for His Light today? |
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Post by Publicist on Feb 17, 2020 18:06:57 GMT -5
CENTERFOLD
This issue’s featured model is Kenzi Grey-Lacklan of UGWC and e-LFL fame! She is the current UGWC Chaos Champion, in the midst of the longest reign of any current champion!
**Disclaimer: Kenzi wasn't our pick for this episode, we wanted Atara Themis but Sarah threatened us with serious bodily harm if we did...maybe next time.
Centerfold ©
Circle Television Network 2020
All Rights Reserved |
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Post by Publicist on Feb 17, 2020 18:07:35 GMT -5
FOURTH ANNUAL LACKLAN ROCK BATTLE!
Rock Battle '20
Kenzi's opening number was "Nights in White Satin," by the Moody Blues, a song which, quite frankly, everyone was surprised she knew in the first place. People in the know could smell the influence of the "judge" for the inaugural Rock Battle, Griffin "I Lost A Bet" Hawkins. And while Kenzi's performance of the folksy tune was pleasing, everyone was shocked by the explosion of electric guitars that preceded Sarah's first entrance: She had teased out her platinum hair to the point of hilarity, and wore shredded black and pink jeans tighter than Dee Snider ever dared to do.
"When Doves Cry" is a wonderful song by a masterful songwriter, the late Prince, and a wonderful inside joke for those who know the wide cast of characters surrounding the G-Ls, and Kenzi was able to gather up some purple satin scarves for the performance. But Sarah was not about to be undone, and when she returned, had somehow mastered getting her teased hair into one of the intricate braids she wears to the ring, as well as a t-shirt and Kenzi's leather jacket, for this performance showcasing her surprisingly decent guitar skills:
Kenzi shocked the audience by jumping up and down and waving her braids about as electric guitars played, especially coming after one of the prettiest songs in the history of music, with her rendition of Manson's Fight Song. After that, Sarah arrived again, still wearing the black jeans, (one of only two pairs of jeans she owns in her vast clothing collection) but switched the shirt and jacked for a loosely-button white dress shirt...which, to Kenzi's consternation, once again confirmed the membership of the #FreeTheNipple movement...in a Rule 63 John Mellencamp. This turned out to be the audience participation moment of the evening as literally no one could not pump their fists with the chorus.
Kenzi's finale was decidedly METAL, as she channeled her Inner Moracchiolo and busted out a song which...well...basically explained how she went from "not being into girls" to being forever committed to one, with "I Kissed a Girl." And Sarah's return volley was...well...
Let's be honest here: In a world where Sarah's World Championship-winning Outlast promotional video is both canon AND not canon in that weird way, her dressing up as Elsa for the final blow-away is no surprise. And as usual, Kenzi's heart thumped in her chest at the sight of her favorite Disney Princess come to life in her partner!
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Post by Publicist on Feb 17, 2020 18:08:55 GMT -5
CAW Predicts February 13, 2020 Synergy
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Post by Publicist on Feb 17, 2020 19:19:41 GMT -5
THE GENERIC WRESTLING RECAP
 You know what really turns my g-string in a wedgie most foul? When the magazine that pays me in hookers is TOO AFRAID and TOO SCARED to post my articles! Why, this here article was SUPPOSED to be on the FRONT PAGE of this edition of the CTN Magazine, and not that Twitter Lesbian Sarah, but NOOOOooooOOOOOO! They were AFRAID of what I have to say! Well, TOO BAD! The Generic Heel, the very image of decency and GREATNESS in the world, will NOT be held down! No Sir! That's right, all you dear Generiholics out there, you WILL get this Generic Wrestling Recap, by golly!
You see, the UGWC had themselves a PPV, a PPV in which the people over at the UGWC were TOO SCARED to book the reiging
AND DEFENDING
Chickenwing Eating Champion, and I graced you all with my predictions on who would win, AND gave AMAZING anal-ysis on why that would be. And now I'm HERE to recap the show and show you all JUST HOW BRILLIANT the Generic Heel is.
Lets do this!
Name: Infinity Date: Monday, February 3, 2020 Arena: TD Garden, Boston, Massachusetts What a stupid name. I was right about that, that's for darn sure. And holding it in the FAKE Garden? Dumb move, as we'll see at the end.
Theme Song: Sympathy for the Devil by the Rolling Stones Announcers: Nick Vinegar, Hans Lieberjosch, and Covert Jay The Global Challenge
Winner earns a shot at the World Title at Coalescence: The 10th Anniversary SpectacularAlan Wallace Alex Kiseragi Angelica Vaughn Gabriel Baal Phrixus Deimos Roxy Cotton Travis Roberts Zane Scott My pick: Angie Vaughn
Actual winner: Angie Vaughn
You're DAMN RIGHT that my STAR STUDENT won this thing. There was no doubt, NO DOUBT, I SAY, that she was going to 'loaded boot' her way into being the Global Champion. But, since I am ever a FAIR and BALANCED Generic Wrestling Reporter, I would like to point out that I didn't get EVERYTHING right.
My picks for the semis: Travis Roberts, Alan Wallace, Gabrial Baal, Angie Vaughn
The actual semis: Travis Roberts, Allan Wallace, Zane Scott, Angie Vaughn
One small fuck-up there. Now, I DID correctly predict that Alex would earn the Holden Award, and I DID predict that Deimos wasn't going to rip off Roxy two years in a row, and I DID predict that Roxy would get distracted by my sexiness and rush to the bathroom (though not right out the gate!), but I was WRONG about Zane and Baal. Can't get 'em all right!
Singles MatchKonrad Raab vs Maria Salvatore
My pick: Maria Salvatore
Actual winner: Konrad Raab
Motherfucker! How, and I DO MEAN HOW, does Maria's sweet, plump, SUMPTUOUS ass lose to Raab?! Now, I didn't predict that this match would go on for approximately six hours, thirteen minutes and twenty-seven seconds...give or take a minute or two...but I don't count that as a loss. And somehow at the end of this, Maleek gets to divorce Maria, or something, which I don't get AT ALL. How do you divorce that butt, Maleek? HOW?!
#1 Contender for the Cross-Hemisphere TitleRP Stip: 2,000 word maximumHide Yamazaki vs Travis Pierce My pick: Hide Yamazaki
Actual winner: Hide Yamazaki
Once again, the DOMINANCE of the Generic School of Wrestling is on display! My grandstudent Hide did what he does best...which is basically just beating up people without much rhyme or reason...and has earned himself some kind of title shot in the process. A title shot that he WILL WIN, as long as Bonecruncher just keeps up with trying to teach my Generic Wrestling Strategy to my best grandstudent!
Singles MatchDonovan Hastings vs Sloane Taylor
My pick: Sloane Taylor's tittle biggies
Actual winner: Donovan Hastings
I'm still trying to process exactly how this happened. I mean, have you SEEN Sloane's rack? Super perky! ZERO gravity damage! I'm thinking that she needs to take a few courses in Generic Fu. I'll have one of my people call her people.
Chaos ChampionshipRP Stip: Enroute to Infinity, your character rides "The T"Kenzi Grey vs Tempest My pick: Kenzi Grey
Actual winner: Kenzi Grey
Kenzi is still the WORST FUCKING QUARTERBACK, in fact SO bad that rumors have it that the LFL is so embarrassed by her that they decided to SHUT DOWN rather than have to deal with another season with the Cincy Hitgirls, but she's good at these crazy matches. I actually consider this to be a double win (worth two points!) because she did, indeed, "not have time" and was "way behind" and somehow still dropped a masterpiece in thirty minutes of riding on the T. And someone tell that D-whatever guy to cut his goddamn hair!
World Heavyweight ChampionshipSarah Lacklan vs Dave Rydell
My pick: Dave Rydell
Actual winner: Sarah Lacklan
The only reason, and I DO MEAN ONLY REASON, the champ retained is because of the debut of Thunder. Ugh. THAT guy. He murdered me with a powerbomb once, but since he doesn't remember it, I don't think it counted.
Well, that's everything, all you Genericaholics. My pick return comes in at 4-3 (thanks to the bonus point). I'll see you all at Coalescence!
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