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Post by Publicist on May 28, 2019 19:32:22 GMT -5
Kenzi vs. Bordy: UGWC Synergy Main Event
Really? Bordy? That's not a fucking name.
Well whatever.
Lisa Seldon is sitting on a couch watching TV. We can only see the back of her head but it's her show so who else is it going to be. On the TV Kenzi looks dead. Her face is spread out all over the place.
The production values are incredible.
Lisa Seldon shuts the TV off as the match ends and turns toward us. She's honestly just watched it now.
"I've been training that idiot for months and I just found out she doesn't even know what a Deathmatch is. Nobody set a table on fire, Nothing was wrapped in barbedwire and no one got dropped on a board covered in things that seem quite funny but are actually very painful. Also why are all these fuckers related?"
She looks bemused. They're paying her stupid money to do this.
"I liked the bit where Kenzi dived face first into a chair. I watched that back three times and laughed my hole off. The match is worth watching for that alone. Shit like that will eventually turn her brain to soup and she'll eventually die in a wheelchair from choking on her own spit, but it's fine today so I enjoying it. 8 stars out of… I don't know. 13."
She waves us away. The screen immediately turns black. I guess that's it then.
Suplexx with Lisa Seldon ©
Circle Television Network 2019
All Rights Reserved
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Post by Publicist on Jun 4, 2019 16:32:39 GMT -5
Sarah Lacklan vs. Rey Del Presagio (c): XWF
View Full Match
The albino brawler challenges the guy I don't know
Oh good she's back at it again, watching wrestling,making this officially the second match she's watched all year. What a terrible advertisement for this sport she is.
On the screen in front of her you can see Sarah Lacklan, woman who's eyes make it look like she's constantly getting caught out in a bad photograph, limping about like a champion. She kills the video there and gets at it.
"I started this thing as a bit to make fun of all their shit shows with x names that all sound basically the same. A fact I'm confident in without ever having seen either of them. I just wanted to make fun of Kenzi but now I accidentally have a job. Bunch of shit."
She's having a great time.
"Anyway in this one her wife is supposedly fighting for a title but it sort of just feels like she's committing a crime. I quite like Sarah and she's apparently related to all my friends but it sort of feels like they just filmed her conducting a very long form mugging."
She gives a fuck it shrug.
"Whatever you want to call it, Drusilla Lacklan attacks some poor guy just trying to enjoy his dinner and ruins everyone's night, there are a bunch of cameos from all her shortarse gremlin buddies and it's quite possible he impaled himself on a pepper grinder. Obviously she was going to win because I taught her how to survive in Deathmatches by using the power of don't think about it to hard to brush off even the nuttiest of blows. I never did it for the other guy, so that's why he passed out while stupidly climbing a wine rack. Terrible plan. Deserves the the bread knife appendectomy he probably gave himself."
She looks about done. We're also probably about done.
"Oh! Also she cut a promo part way through it but I don't really know what it was about. I was googling to see if everyone from Lacklanland has that sort of mole people look about them. Results inconclusive. For that it's 6 stars out of whatever my grading scale is. Did I even have one of those? I do now anyway so there you go. 6."
Lisa waves us away.
Suplexx with Lisa Seldon ©
Circle Television Network 2019
All Rights Reserved
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Post by Publicist on Sept 7, 2019 22:13:33 GMT -5
The Hellcat Spangled Death Squad vs. Big Coffin Hunters
Frontier Grappling Arts Wrestling
CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH
"Long Names - Big Dreams
She's back at it, sitting on her couch with her back to us and watching someone throw down in her TV. Herself as it happens. A little bit from now she'll be in some hellhole getting hypodermic needles thrown at her face, because wrestling gets weird sometimes, but for now she's having a great time watching herself do a wrestling.
She pauses the tape and turns to us. There's talk of getting her a big NFL style sport board thing so she can put Xs on stuff and it'll look really professional, but that's still a ways off.
"I'm not one to watch back my own matches because there's no point in critiquing perfection, but let's make an exception."
She hits play and we cycle forward just long enough to see a man get his face near kicked off. We pause right on it, his face whipping around into the camera, twisted from the shot reverberating across his cheek.
"Let me tell you about this cunt right here. In 2019 I was riding on a high. I was poised to win the EW title, cementing my position in IJPW and I was on the way to claiming the Crown of the King Cobra. It was going really well. Then this fucker came along."
She rewinds and we watch him get kicked upside the head all over again.
"He beats me in PW NEO. A ref stoppage, which is nonsense because I'd rather have died than give him the satisfaction of winning. Still, he gets it and the motherfucker goes off like I'm some kind of fraud."
We pull forward a little and get to watch as Lisa takes him out at the ankles before Ana puts a heel through his eye socket. She has all these times memorized.
"As a match this is very good. If you like tag wrestling we gave a good account of it. It's two teams in engaging in a shootout. They threw everything at us and we threw it all back. If it was anyone else I would be nothing but proud. Fuck that guy though. Forever. Also their name is stupid; ours is better."
She turns back and lets the video play out. She's having a good time...
Suplexx with Lisa Seldon ©
Circle Television Network 2019
All Rights Reserved |
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Post by Publicist on Dec 12, 2019 19:53:53 GMT -5
Aokigahara Zombie vs. Bryan Laughlin
The old man of Deathmatch wrestling gets all his bones mashed up
We're back! We thought that was the end. We thought she'd forgotten. We thought she might not have actually forgotten but just didn't want to do it anymore and was just pretending she forgot. Apparently it was none of the above because she's back in front of the tv and looking actually happy to be here for once. Shocking, honestly.
The screen itself is a bit of an eye catcher, currently lit up with a still and bleeding image of a man who looks considerably less excited. The more observant of you will already have marked it out as currently DTW Championship contender Bryan Laughlin. Finally some actual fucking talent. No wonder she's happy.
"Today I decided to watch my favourite match of all time… from this year… that I wasn't in.."
She lifts the remote up over her back and hits play. Immediately the room is filled with screaming.
"You see that? It's just about a half hour of that. Two of the best in the world attacking each other with drills and an electric saw. Obviously if you're a bit of a wrestling purist then seeing the 4CW World Champion get hacked up by a weird old man with a strimmer and then eaten alive by piranhas might not be for you, but when else are you going to get that opportunity?"
He's still screaming. Think it might be on a loop.
"There's some wrestling in there too. One of them does an abdominal stretch. I mean, he then goes off on the other guy's face with a belt sander but really that's just showing his range. Any old cunt can get a passable grasp of the Boston Crab but it takes a special mind to work out a way to modify it with the aid of a gusset plate."
She stops for a little think.
"Probably you just crab them up and walk them around all over the plates so their back hurts and also their face gets chewed up. I don't know. I think all ground work is for perverts."
Not a joke and she doesn't laugh.
"Anyway, if you're a fan of both these wrestlers then this is the two of them at their best. If you're not a fan, then both of them bleed buckets and leave looking horrendous. A modern masterpiece. 700 stars. I'm currently starting a campaign so that if aliens ever land on earth, this match will be one of the first things we have to show them. Get on board with it now."
She goes back to it, ending once and for all the rumour that she doesn't actually like wrestling. A rumour started because of her appearances on this show.
Suplexx with Lisa Seldon ©
Circle Television Network 2019
All Rights Reserved
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