Post by Publicist on Feb 10, 2018 7:27:52 GMT -5
JUST THE FAQ
with F. Alexander Quinn
with F. Alexander Quinn
Several weeks ago our country was bombarded by rouge pigeons; a veritable pigeon apocalypse! No one was safe from these harbingers of doom, fluttering about with vile messages for the masses. I, F. Alexander Quinn took it upon myself to investigate these happenings, to uncover the fiendish plot behind this wanton thuggery.
It wasn’t easy. In fact, I was forced to employ some very innovative techniques to find the trail of my quarry.
It wasn’t easy. In fact, I was forced to employ some very innovative techniques to find the trail of my quarry.
Yes, there were even casualties along the way…
But my persistence paid off as I masterfully interrogated 'a person of interest' and I was able to deduce who was behind this avian assault!
Not only did I get to the bottom of the matter, but I also secured an exclusive telephone interview with the villain. I have transcribed it for you below…
F. Alexander Quinn (FAQ): "Miss Lacklan, Sarah Lacklan? I’m F. Alexander Quinn, freelance investigative reporter. I’d like to ask you a few questions about the recent pigeon attacks around the country. Are you behind the rash of attacks?"
Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan (SSGL): "Attack is a strong word, Sir. My purebred albino carriers bring naught but joy and warmth to their targets. Well, except for Magdalena, of course. They know to divebomb that slut-a-whore on sight."
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I found her statement about bringing 'warmth' to be somewhat misleading. While some of her recipients, such as Magdalena Lockheart and Lucy Wylde had more ambiguous responses...
The responses from some of her closest friends spoke volumes; volumes that were quite contrary to Mrs. Lacklan's exclamations of the spread of 'warmth' to all but those she deemed 'slut-a-whores.'
In light of this direct evidence which refutes her claim, I find that she was either being less-than-honest with me or she is so insanely deluded that she actually believes that everyone is waiting for their arrival with bated breath. As near as I can determine, the only person that seems to enjoy them as much as Mrs. Lacklan is her friend Angie Vaughn, who is ironically, a notorious cat lover.
Too each their own...
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I found her statement about bringing 'warmth' to be somewhat misleading. While some of her recipients, such as Magdalena Lockheart and Lucy Wylde had more ambiguous responses...
The responses from some of her closest friends spoke volumes; volumes that were quite contrary to Mrs. Lacklan's exclamations of the spread of 'warmth' to all but those she deemed 'slut-a-whores.'
In light of this direct evidence which refutes her claim, I find that she was either being less-than-honest with me or she is so insanely deluded that she actually believes that everyone is waiting for their arrival with bated breath. As near as I can determine, the only person that seems to enjoy them as much as Mrs. Lacklan is her friend Angie Vaughn, who is ironically, a notorious cat lover.
Too each their own...
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FAQ: "What is your aim ma’am? Why pigeons in this day and age?"
SSGL: "Because Lacklan. Obvs. Are you new?"
FAQ: "A little new. Apologies. Do you care that many people are angered by your actions?"
SSGL: "Angered? That is just silly. Everyone loves and appreciates the class my flock brings. In fact, my wife has even intimated the possibility of purchasing a piece of feathered lingerie for use in our nighttime matrimonial activities."
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I find this particularly hard to believe, given some of her responses to the pigeon arrivals...
I think this bolsters my theory that Mrs. Lacklan is either oblivious to the havoc she creates or...more likely, she simply doesn't care because she is spoiled, rich, and entitled.
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I find this particularly hard to believe, given some of her responses to the pigeon arrivals...
I think this bolsters my theory that Mrs. Lacklan is either oblivious to the havoc she creates or...more likely, she simply doesn't care because she is spoiled, rich, and entitled.
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FAQ: "So, is it safe to say that the pigeons are here to stay and they pose no threat to the citizens?"
SSGL: "They are absolutely here to stay. They provide an upscale messaging service in a time of trouble in the world, my wife has been VERY supportive of the endeavor, and avian husbandry is a great way to spend my copious amount of free time."
FAQ: "Do you think I could talk to her as well?"
SSGL: "Certainly! When you speak to one of us, you speak to both of us. We are Team Kickass!"
FAQ: "WONDERFUL!"
I did attempt to speak with Kenzi Grey-Lacklan, but as soon as I mentioned the pigeons, she hung up on me. Regardless, this investigation came to a satisfying conclusion as I managed to get to the bottom of this mystery and more importantly, I managed to put the collective minds of the citizenry at ease!
While I do not condone the use of animals as beasts of burden, especially when they are putting the good people of the United States Postal Service out of work, I do see a certain old world elegance to this that is largely lost on a majority of people today. It is my hope that my work today sets the minds of those who once looked into the sky and saw nothing but terror bearing down on them with angry white wings and razor sharp beaks...now look up with hopeful eyes that a message of warmth will be delivered to them...or the proclamation that they are a slut-a-whore.
Thank you for reading, Just the FAQ.
