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Post by Publicist on Mar 5, 2018 5:32:22 GMT -5
~~Saturday, March 3rd~~
A chord from a piano, pleasing to the ear, plays across the airwaves and in Bordy’s headset. A soft voice speaks the name of the show, “Dear Bordy,” and the odd Frenchwoman slams her hands down on her desk.
“No! No! This is NOT the name of the show! This is ‘Slut-Shaming with Bordy!’"
The engineer’s eyes go wide and she mouths “WE. ARE. LIVE.” but Bordy continues her ranting.
“I am HERE because the entire WORLD needs to know how to live their lives correctly! I am HERE because the entire WORLD needs to be taught what is important to God! And that is functional and loving relationships the way He designed them to be!”
She lets out a scream, the feedback causing the engineer and countless others listening at home to turn away from their radios in pain, but then calms, her face settling and a broad smile rising from her lips. She turns that sweet smile to the engineer and, with a twinkle in her eye, asks her for the first caller. Stunned by the sudden change in demeanor, the engineer stammers for a moment and then presses a few buttons.
“Um...I...uh...the first caller...is Jodie from Arizona.”
“Wonderful! What is your question, Jodie?”
“Dear Bordy, I am a chaste virgin who is saving her virginity for the man that I love.”
“Wonderful to hear!”
“Thank you, Bordy. Um, I am too young to be married, but my boyfriend has been pressuring me for sexual relations and threatening to leave me if I don’t give in to him. My friends are telling me that if I we do it in the butt, that doesn’t count. Is this true?”
Bordy blinks several times.
“I...wait...what?”
“In the butt. It doesn’t count, right?”
Bordy’s eyes go wide.
“SODOMY!”
Her scream into the microphone is like the keen of a banshee.
“THAT IS SODOMY! NO! NO! NO SODOMY!”
She slams her hands down on the desk with each exclamation.
“ANY kind of sexual relationship with a man BEFORE marriage is a SIN, Jodie! ANY KIND. And ESPECIALLY THAT KIND! My GOD! You tell your HEATHEN friends that they should all jump into the LAKE OF FIRE WITH SATAN and then go tell your boyfriend that, if he cannot WAIT for YOU, then he can JOIN YOUR WHORE FRIENDS!”
She smiles sweetly at the engineer.
“Next caller!”
“We have Colin from New York on the line. He has a question about his ex-wife.”
“Hi Bordy. I was married to the woman of my dreams…”
Bordy smiles widely at this.
“...but we never consummated our marriage.”
The smile turns upside down.
“She left me and fell in love with a woman.”
She rolls her eyes so hard that even the winners of last week’s main event would give her props.
“She has been living in sin for nearly a year, but I want her back badly. Can she ever be redeemed if I manage to lure her away from the sinful woman who has been holding her hostage?”
“Okay. A couple of things. First of all...have you tried not being a sissy?”
“Uh...what?”
“A sissy. You are clearly one of those ‘girly-men’ so popular in Asia and South America.”
“I-”
“Be a man! A man like God intended you to be! Fight! Kill! Provide! THAT is what women want! Not some silly child! BE A MAN! As for the other thing...I am not sorry to say that, no, there is no redeeming her. Once you go into the lesbian territory, there is no saving you. Mind you, I am personally TRYING to help bring my student Lucy back into the Light of God, but she is SO enthralled by Quasimodo that I fear she already has one foot in the Lake of Fire. And it sounds like your wife has both feet in. So, my advice is to forget about the trollop and go lift something heavy or throw a ball, or something. Next!”
“Oh! Speaking of lesbians, we got a question from twitter! @totesnotjet asks: 'Why are there suddenly so many gay women wrestling in UGWC? I accept everyone's life choices, but did I miss a trend? Are they inspired by Holden and PKA's coming out parties?'"
Bordy makes a voice in her throat that is better left undescribed.
“Uh. Lesbians are the WORST thing that happened to this business since I left. When I was first fighting, we were all normal and acceptable people. You know, like Nazi’s, terrorists, and cult leaders. But now? Good God! It seems like everywhere I turn, there is nothing but sluts and whores showing their bodies because of some rule regarding the pound sign on their phones! I would not care so much if that mentality did not bring itself into the ring, but it does! EVEN MY COMPANY! While it is clearly established that Angie Vaughan is the biggest whore of them all, this company is also the alma mater of a ‘BJ Black Belt,’ whatever THAT is, and more lesbian fake hair than I thought existed! Even the special guests with three names are guilty of that sin! UGH! Next caller!”
“This is Alan from Alantown. I just wanted to know, how many mannequins can you sexually harass without knowing you have a problem?”
Bordy blinks.
“Um...none? Go to church. Next!”
“We have ‘RWG’ from the Hamptons with a serious family planning question.”
“Oh! Wonderful!”
“Hello, Bordy. I am a young girl from a rich family. Every advantage has been afforded to me and my family has hopes that I will one day marry into a family of means and influence, but that is not what I want.”
Bordy nods solemnly.
“God’s plan is not always what is expected.”
“I know! I have fallen in love with a young boy that my family will certainly never approve of! He is poor and from a broken family, not to mention he is black and I am white…my parents would be mortified!”
Bordy grimaces.
“Your parents could learn some lessons from you. You seem brave.”
“Thank you, Bordy. I am pregnant with his child, but I am terrified of what will happen if I tell my family, what should I do?”
Bordy rests her head in her hands, her fingers lightly touching her chin, deep in thought. After a moment, she raises her head and gives herself a small nod. Yes, she knew exactly what this poor woman needed to hear.
“Tell me...have you tried NOT being a slut?”
“wut”
“Try that out and get back to me, okay? Try NOT being a slut in the future and you won’t end up with THE SPAWN OF SATAN IN YOUR BODY BECAUSE YOU CAN’T KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED YOU WHORE!”
She smiles sweetly through the glass.
“Next caller!”
The engineer shakes her head at the wrestler.
“Um...we have time for...one more call and one more tweet. This is ‘New in Miami.’”
“Heya, Bordy. How long should someone have to wait to take a hot girl to pound town if her husband just got murdered? I feel like 1-2 weeks is a long enough time, but others are giving me a hard time. What say you?”
Another blink and blank stare.
“Say that again?”
“You know...pound town! I wanna-”
“STOP!”
Bordy shakes her head.
“There is SO much wrong with that conversation that I cannot even start. I…”
She pauses for a moment.
“Actually, I do. In your sinful situation, there is something which has been circulating and I wish to comment upon. You see, my child, love is eternal. Love and marriage is forever. It is not simply something where you pledge yourself to one another until it is convenient or fun to break that pledge. It is a promise to God that you will honor the relationship He has gifted you. One of the major problems plaguing this world, and the business of wrestling specifically, is the trend of whores and sluts who meet on day one, marry on day seven, divorce on day ten, and then fall in love again on day twelve. Those are not marriages. That is not love. That is simple-minded children who are only playing house. To those people, I saw leave the games for the children and embrace the warmth of God’s plan."
“My husband is my life. His love is my warmth. His belief in me is my food. And there is not a moment which goes by where I do not thank God for the embrace of my husband. He is with me always. Even in-”
Bordy cuts off here suddenly. Her eyes moisten. Her fingers tremble. She licks her lips nervously. But then she smiles and closes her eyes.
“He is risen.”
Pure affection and joy fill her voice at that statement. Her smile is wide and genuine, lighting her face, as she opens her eyes. They sparkle with the same joy which filled her voice.
“So, miss New to Miami, I shall say this: Death is no bar to the call of love. The girl’s husband should forevermore fill her heart and you should cast aside your desires for her. That husband can never, and should never, be replaced.”
She looks through the glass at the engineer.
“Any further questions?”
“Just a final one from Twitter. @dac0urtbl0ws asks: How does Eden still get men to fall into her thrall after years of devouring them? Is it the boobs? The eyes?”
Bordy’s face scrunches into annoyance.
“Eden Morgan, at least from my experience with the woman, is far less of a Jezebel than people make her out to be. I mean, she is certainly no slut like Angelica Vaughan! And while...yes...men do seem to flock to her over the years, it is most likely by their own carnal sins than anything she does. After all, she...typically...only posts tasteful pictures of herself, unlike the other sluts in the company. And thus, I do not blame her. No...no...I blame the men. I blame men like Jason Ingalls."
“The unshaven beast is like so many other men who have failed to learn from the sins of Adam. The flails around life, finding little joy in the treasures of God, and instead looks for the carnal pleasures of Satan. And while Eden is certainly no Eve, is certainly no woman of questionable integrity, Ingalls is certainly Adam. He chooses mistakes, he chooses failure. Even was tricked by the Great Falsifier into eating from the Tree of Knowledge, but Adam chose it. He chose his damnation because he wished to make Eve happy. And we ALL know that he only wanted to make Eve happy so that she would lay with him. And Ingalls is the same way. He was led around by the promise of maybe of Eden’s, led around in hopes of laying with her, in hopes of being her partner. But he is not her partner. He would not, and could not, ever be her partner. Because while she is of a high pedigree, a being worthy of renown, though certainly in need of a trip to church or two, he is little more than mediocre swine."
“Now, I know what all of you are thinking. You are thinking that I am not someone who knows anything, or that I do not deserve the ability to talk. After all, Dave Rydell made it clear last week that my presence was meaningless because he was going to be too busy being pinned by Deimos to pay attention to little ol’ me, I have only won a few matches thus far within the UGWC, and that Ingalls has been around for years. But the truth of the matter is that I know FAR more than one would assume. My comments on the mediocrity of Rydell and Deimos last week were not shots in the dark, or even just me piggybacking on jokes said by others, as Rydell would have you believe. No...no...I have STUDIED this company for nearly a year. The why...does not matter...not yet...but the reality is that I HAVE. And THAT is why I am not only unafraid to unapologetically call Ingalls mediocre swine, but I do not fear the repercussions. Because I know that Ingalls will not win. Because I know that winning is not what he is good at."
“Oh, I know that he has won plenty of matches in his career. Wins! Titles! Tournaments! Accolades which bring the applause of his peers! But what I question is what he is able to do NOW. What has he been able to do in the year I have studied this company for reasons which would be redacted if I said them? Truth be told...practically nothing. Loss after loss in the later half of last year...not a win to be seen after his glorious capture of the Cooperative Championships with B-Pac at Wrestlestock...but even then, not a single successful defense before handing the titles over to two far more capable men."
“And this year? More of the same. Yes! Ingalls defeated Mathis! Yes! He was able to drop his foot onto the throat of her failed revolution. But it was I! It was I! It was I who killed Mathis’ revolution! It was I would took it...ripped off its head...and ate it. Not him! He did not but feast upon the dregs of plate. He did naught but eat the marrow from the bones of that revolution."
“And now he faces the true devourer. Now he faces me. His pitiable attempts at finding some sort of success, from his lousy attempts to woo Eden to the failings of his career, he is about to run into a wall of righteous fury. Unlike Ingalls, who has no doubt been wasting even more time by being his mediocre self, I have spent all week in hostile territory to work on my trade. Just like how I studied this company, and my opponents, for the last year, I have spent all week preparing to take my Chaos crown. I have-”
DING!
She cuts off as her phone goes off. Curious to who might be contacting her directly for Slut-Shaming with Bordy, she glances at it and whimpers when she sees the name and message.
Donovan Hastings: ‘Sup, hot mamma. I was thinking that, after you lay down in the ring for Zane on Monday, you could head backstage and lay down for both of us. Ya know...you...and me...and him...simultaneously...
With a screech, Bordy throws the headphones down and runs off set...
Dear Bordy ©
Circle Television Network 2018
All Rights Reserved
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Post by Publicist on Apr 13, 2018 21:19:28 GMT -5
Wearing a long red dress with a high neck, small stripes of sparkling orange running up and down the long sleeves, Le Bord de Dieu sits at the table, her fingertips moving through the stack of papers, pausing occasionally to raise her head and smile at members of the crowd. Everywhere he gaze fell, faces grew even brighter than before. Children laughed. Woman wept. Men, strong men, nearly fell to their knees. Bordy took them all in, took in her people, took in those who needed help, needed shelter, and found God’s grace through her words and actions.
Movement at her side caught her attention and her gaze found her engineer silently counting down with her fingers. She smiled at her, and noticed a small hitch in the engineer’s counting, and tried not to blame her. Someone recently said that her smile could change the world, and lately, it had.
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
The chord from the piano goes through the speakers and the soft voice proclaims the name of the show, “Dear Bordy,” and she tries not to wince. She loathed that name but one had to learn to compromise for the greater goodness of God. She leaned forward into the microphone and gave that world-changing smile.
“Welcome everyone, to the newest edition of ‘Dear Bordy,’ you opportunity to have life and relationship problems answered from a faith-based perspective, which means the ONLY perspective worth having! I am your host, His Edge and His Blade, the United Global Wrestling Coalition Champion of Chaos, Le Bord de Dieu. And let us get right into it by taking a live question from the audience! And remember: You will thank me later.”
A woman in a stained dress, but with a clean face, raises her hands and speaks into a microphone offered by a CTN staff member.
“Hello, Ma’am. I just wanted to say thank you for all you have done for us over the last month. I mean, with the blankets, and food, and-”
Bordy cuts her off with a raised hand a smile.
“Do not thank me. Thank Him.”
The woman nods her head enthusiastically.
“Yes, Ma’am. I am new to Christianity, thanks to you, and I wanted to know what I should memorize first. Corinthians or Isaiah?”
“Corinthians.”
Bordy’s answer was immediate.
“Every word of the Bible is true and divinely inspired, thus equally important, but I believe that new believers should study Corinthians first. It speaks of love, but not the love you might think. It speaks of how God loves us, and how we should, in turn, aspire to love Him. It is not romantic love, as Hallmark would have you believe. Indeed, Corinthians is the single most misunderstood and misquoted passage, with people taking words out of context in order to fit their own needs or designs. Much like other wrestlers I compete against. Particularly the ones so ugly on the inside that they must change their outer appearance in startling ways in order to find even some semblance of worth. Next question!"
A surprisingly tall blonde receives the microphone next.
"I'm, like, totes way taller than all of my other friends. Like, way way taller! But I'm also the only one who's single. Sometimes I think my height can be intimidating, but what can I do to remedy that?"
“You could try being less of a slut.”
The blonde’s face looks like she had been slapped.
“It is theologically proven that any blonde woman at the height of 5’10” or more is, by default, a whore. So how about you drop out of Prostitute College and try NOT being a skank. Next question!”
“We have a few questions from the text line, if you would like.”
“Certainly! Put them up on the screen so that everyone can see!”
A projector shows the engineer’s phone.
Bordy rolls her dark eyes so hard that the Cool Rankings tabulators give her a bonus Cool Point for the next edition.
“Oh please. The Nothing became Something by pinning Pierce. But a winning percentage of 33% in matches with me is hardly something to write home about. Thank you for the question, Lucy!”
“Please consult the 10th commandment about coveting things which are not yours and, like, 27 different verses on gluttany.”
“Men make terrible decisions when it comes to women. While my dear husband might well be as perfect as a man can be, the truth is that ALL men are descended from Adam. And while Eve had been tricked by Lucifer, Adam CHOSE his path. Men are, in a word, dumb.”
Bordy blinks several times, her face a mask of confusion. She gives her head a shake. And then another.
“The only thing I can POSSIBLY think your question refers to is the carnage which happened last week involving…”
She pauses for a moment.
“Necron.”
Murmurs rise and spread through the crowd, voices full of anger, sadness, and confusion.
“I do not know what aim this man earns for, but I know well the game he plays. It is a game I play well, a game I am currently playing on multiple fronts, and a game which I was taught by a master player. Necron believes himself to be far more than he truly is, and when the time comes for me to deal with him personally, he will learn that not all men who wears masks are equal or worthy. So yes, he has done damage. Yes, he has caused a surge of uncertainty in the new followers of the Path of the Light. But that pain and uncertainty will not last much more than the setting of the sun. Indeed, the rise of the sun, the light breaking the horizon, will send him back into his city of darkness like a cockroach.”
“We have some callers on the line, if you would like.”
Bordy smiles at her engineer and gestures for her to continue.
“We have ‘MGL from Maine’ with a question about dealing with her mother-in-law.”
“Always a sensitive subject. Hello caller!”
“Hello, Bordy. I am a happily married woman-”
This makes Bordy smile widely.
“-and am living a life that is almost perfect, but there is a HUGE problem that is bothering me. My spouse’s mother-in-law is a gigantic loser who delights in crapping on everyone around her. I have tried my best to get through to her and to do what I can to bridge the gap, but her closed mindedness and disgusting nature makes that impossible. I know that I should honor my mother, but what do you do when that person isn’t worthy of any honor at all?”
Bordy ponders for a moment.
“It is wise of you to wish to honor her, as the 5th commandment demands and as Peter reminded us in 5:1-5. I myself understand how difficult that can be, as my own step-daughter’s mother-in-law, who I think is nearly 50 years my senior, can be hard around the edges. My suggestion to you is to do as I do: Honor her, even in her roughest times, so that she may look at you and your glorious marriage and see God’s will. Even the worst cantankerous slut, as my step-daughter’s mother-in-law is known to be, can only last so long in their sins with such a great display of His love.”
“Next, we have ‘Shattered,’ from the Port of Los Angeles...which...um...I don’t think is a real place? Er...anyway…”
“Hello Bordy. I love my wife dearly-
The feminine voice saying this makes Bordy frown with judgement.
“-and I think that she loves me too, but recently I have been noticing very strange charges made to our shared bank account for some sort of ‘cam show.’ I logged into the account and what I saw there disgusted me! It was FEET! This woman’s filthy, nasty FEET!”
Bordy’s face turns a particularly sickly shade of green.
“I want to throw up, just thinking about it! I need you advice Bordy, I need to know what I need to do to get my wife to stop spending our money on #BitchCoins to masturbate to Roxy Cotton’s gross ass grape stomping Fred Flintstone FEET!”
Bordy’s face immediately returns to the judgement from before.
“I do not take kindly to fake calls for my show, child. I happen to know Miss Cotton personally and, while she still defies me and God by STILL not marrying her fiance, I know that Miss Cotton is a wonderful person inside and would NEVER do this disgusting ‘cam show’ with her feet, as you are suggesting. Lies like this make Baby Jesus cry! Next question!”
“Our final caller is ‘Cat Hater’ from right here in Maine.”
“I already do not like this person. I love cats! I miss Linus.”
“Well, she has a question about a possible false friend.”
“Even cat haters need help. Let her speak.”
“Thank you for taking my call, Bordy. I have some of the best friends in the entire world! They are all so supportive and nice…well…all except one of them. One of them isn’t very nice at all! In fact, over social media she pretends to be the sweetest person of them all, but in private she is the meanest, nastiest, grossest bully I have ever met! I try to be nice to her, but all she does is belittle me and keep me in constant fear.”
“This does not sound like a real friend, caller.”
“I know, Bordy! I am at my wits end! Should I expose her to the world? I feel like everyone should know what a two-faced person she is, but I am legitimately scared for my life. She almost killed a woman a few months ago with a [REDACTED] in her wrestling [REDACTED]. I don’t want to be a victim, but I think the world needs to know how evil this woman is. PLEASE HELP!”
“It sounds like your friend is as bad of a person as the Pharisees were. They were religious leaders in the time of John the Baptist and Jesus, Himself. They strived to lead people but were really just controlling them and perverting God’s word, just as much as the tax collectors were. I saw you do with this supposed friend of yours exactly what Jesus did: Turn over the table. Rip that [REDACTED] from her and beat her over the head with it until she gives up her sinful ways! She will thank me later.”
Bordy smiles at the crowd before her.
“Well, that is all the time we have for today. Thank you for being here for this live edition of ‘Dear Bordy’ and thank you to everyone at home for listening!”
Dear Bordy ©
Circle Television Network 2018
All Rights Reserved |
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Post by CoolTubeSource on Jan 4, 2020 14:45:12 GMT -5
Hello everyone! This is Ashley Allen here to welcome you to the NEW “Dear Bordy” relationship and life advice program! I am the NEW producer of the NEW version of this show and I will be YOUR as I wade through the THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of questions that have been sent into the Queen Mother! And without further adeiu, allow me to introduce you to the Queen of Red, the Edge and Blade of God, the Queen Mother herself, Aveline Lacklan, and get to YOUR questions!
You will NOT see me posting pictures of my profane nudity!
You will NOT see me coloring my hair some ghastly and whorish shade!
You will NOT see me using my wiles of femininity to STEAL some good, God-fearing woman’s man away from him like Ahab’s Jezabel!
Instead, dear child, invest within YOURSELF instead of this false need of such outward harlotry. I will make sure that my dear, sweet Ashley sends you a pamphlet on our new Born Again Virgin program so that you may turn away from your carnal ways and give yourself a fresh start as soon as possible.
Why, what a wonderful plea, Monsier! Ashley is a wonderful girl, at least once she returned home and ended her odd “work program” in California. As I am ever the benevolent Queen Mother, I wish happiness to ALL of my children, and would LOVE the opportunity to introduce the two of you! Courtship Protocol includes full and complete conversion to the Path of the Light Church, of course, followed by a vow of chastity, silence, and self-flagellation within the Church in Maine, naturally, and then there is the 8-week probationary period just to root out any terrible thoughts from the Enemy that might sneak in, as I am sure you understand. I will send you a pamphlet!
Oui Oui! Quite the quandary! There have been many times throughout the history of the world were our leaders who SHOULD be doing as God wishes them to, who SHOULD be standing tall and strong and powerful in the face of the Enemy, are NOT able to measure up to God’s expectations! Even the strongest leaders and warriors from the Bible have found themselves facing the ridicule of being unable to push away worldly sin. Same sex relations, acceptance of sinful behaviors, idolatry over worldly possessions and processes. Indeed, when looking at any other of the otherwise powerful figures of God, outside of your Queen Mother, of course, it can be difficult to forgive them their evils while also praising them for their good.
But that is what we must do, child. We must see our leaders, our champions, our figures of Godly might, and understand that they are also under attack. Indeed! Do not let an otherwise powerful proponent for God’s truth and plan let you fall into unbelief by some sort of sapphic indecency. See those pillars of God’s might for the good they do, forgive them for the ways in which they fail, and pray for them to find the strength to be fully pure in God’s Light, as their Queen Mother is.
That’s it for today, everyone! Thank you for ALL of those letters, tweets, emails, snailmails, and even some CoolMail messages! Don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe, and join us NEXT WEEK for the NEXT installment of Dear Bordy! This is Ashley Allen saying Goodbye and Thank you for the Queen Mother, Aveline Lacklan!
Have YOU thanked God for His Light today?
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